The Details Count

I have been thinking back to the darkest days of my depression. The journal I kept helps me remember the events of those years. My first entry is on April 11, 2003.

The details of me life became most important. Now, some may say such details are just simple things. But to me, as to many people with depression, it is just those details that we have to grasp.

On April 11, I noted that the day before was my niece's birthday, and that I was able to go to Chapters to get her a card. That was an accomplishment. I also wrote " Laugh a bit now". So, I guess I must have laughed at something.

On April 13, 2003 ( a Sunday ), I wrote that on the previous Thursday and Friday, I got up at 9:30 am, which was the earliest since March. Now, I was always a morning person, getting to work around 8:30, and doing my best work from then to mid-afternoon. I always worked later, but I felt the best in the morning. It used to be exciting and fun to get into the office and get going.

April 14, I wrote that I "felt ok today in the pm". But I was "tired by 7 pm." I also noted that I "thought about checking my email." To even think about doing something was a great step forward. The thought came along, and then, if I kept thinking about it, perhaps in a week, I could actually put the thoughts into an action. But, for a long time, I was simply having the thoughts, not being able to do the action. However, it was a sign that I was getting healthy because I was starting to think.

April 23, I felt confidant for a moment.

April 24, I "chatted with clerk at The Body Shop. Went for drive , 1st time out in evening." Now, this was huge night.

I could watch tv a bit, I would watch Hazel Mae do the sports report each morning. I also got to enjoy watching Becker, a sitcom starring Ted Dansen. Also, Water Rats, an Australian cop show, became my afternoon staple. So, I was starting to enjoy tv again. Perhaps not Emmy worthy programs, but I liked them.

On April 25, I "felt safe." Now, that's a major comment. But I also suffered an anxiety attack, which I had started to handle because I had learned from my doctor that such attacks are not harmful. I knew I would live through it, and get a better grip on my circumstances.

So, the details became important. A flash in my mind of a good feeling sustained me until the next good moment, which could be the next hour or the following week. The good feelings were not very common. The bad out lasted, out weighed, and out did the good.

Small steps, but to me, all necessary and important steps if I was to get well. It took years, effort, and patience for me to get to the point in my life where the good has supplanted the bad.

The details accumulated to provide a real life.