Geography

I think it may be important to explain how geography played a role during my depression, my breakdown, and then my recovery.

I lived and practiced law in Sydney, Nova Scotia. Now, when it came time for the hearings before the Nova Scotia Barristers' Society, they were held in the Society's offices in Halifax, which is a 4-5 hour drive from Sydney.

In March, I travelled to Halifax for the hearing. I was unable to drive, my mind beginning to unravel, so, my mother drove the entire trip.

My sister, her husband, and their two children live outside of Halifax, so, we arrived there on a Sunday, the hearing was set for Tuesday morning. I do know that we all checked into the Radisson Hotel at some point, just not sure exactly when. It is located just across the street from the Bar Society's offices. I also booked a room there for my lawyer. He and I met on that Monday to prepare.

The hearing on Tuesday was difficult to make, I had a major anxiety attack early that morning. At that time I didn't know what an anxiety attack was, I had had them before, but I just didn't know what happened with such an attack. My mother and sister who stayed in the suite with me, calmed me down. Then I met my lawyer in the lobby, and off we went for the 11:00 am hearing.

The hearing, held in public though no public attended, consisted of my testifying about my wrong decisions and some of my life. It lasted until after 5:00 pm. I was suspended for 3 months.

Now, my mother and sister waited at the Radisson Hotel all day, worrying and wondering. My brother-in-law spent the day driving around, waiting for my sister to call him with the outcome.

When I walked to the hotel, my mother and sister were in the lobby. Given my suspension, I was in shock. I told them what happened,we hugged and then went to the room. My sister called her husband to join us. He was there in minutes. Now, we had no arrangement made as to what to do. So, we just looked at the situation and I decided that I wanted to check out and go to my sister's, I wanted to see my niece and nephew. Though only 17 and 16 at the time, they were fully aware of the events unfolding.

We packed up and checked out. However, I did leave one thing behind. As a lawyer and thus needing to dress for work, I had maybe 100 ties, some allocated for certain events. I had one tie that I always wore to funerals, that was the tie I chose to wear to the hearing. I tossed it in the hotel trash as we left.


It was at my sister's that my breakdown took hold. My niece was kind and generous enough to give up her bedroom for me, for two years. Her room was a good size, and centrally located. She moved to the lower level.

The doctors I was fortunate to have treat me were located in Halifax. I felt save at my sister's, with everyone there. We all thought I needed everyone's help, and it helped each of us to be together.

But, in order to see to my house in Sydney and other matters, I travelled , usually as the passenger, between Halifax and Sydney, for those years. Those trips were sometimes difficult. I was groggy from my drugs, and unable to drive until the last part of the trip. As well, it was a real effort to leave the perceived safety of the bedroom.

But the travelling also provided me with the chance to get out of the bedroom, which though troubling in the short term, I think I benefited in the longer term. We would stop to eat on the trip, getting me out. As well, we usually picked up groceries . Again, I would go into the store. Now, I know, it may sound like simple things, eating in a restaraunt and getting groceries, but to me, living with depression, they were not. It took great effort to to do these things, but, with each trip, I learned I could. We found a great little spot in New Glasgow that served real food. So, the more often we ate there, the more comfortable I became. Small steps, but huge accomplishments.

My life those years consisted of weekly visits to my doctor; regular trips home; crashing, literally, at my sister's; trying to get out of the bedroom, then the house. These were trying times.

But I also had some hope, though smothered under the darkness of depression. At that time, my hope consisted of just my wanting to get well. How, when, and if I could were matters for another day. I knew the path to getting well would not be simple.