My Return : Kickin' Depression

Behind the Scenes

2010-03-15T15:54:00.002-03:00

Behind the Scenes at BringChange2Mind's Public Service Announcement, hear from Glenn Close, Director Ron Howard, and others.

Glenn Close and Jessie Close : BringChange2Mind

2010-03-15T14:15:00.001-03:00

Glenn Close and Jessie Close, BringChange2Mind Video

BringChange2Mind Video

2010-03-15T14:01:00.001-03:00

Please check out the BringChange2Mind Video:

embed src="http://blip.tv/play/hMYXgajzDQI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="391" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true">

Depression: Lawyers: Help

2010-03-13T12:01:00.002-04:00

I can certainly attest to the devastating role depression can play in one’s life.

I was diagnosed with depression on March 7, 2003. I had unknowingly lived with it for years. I just thought I had a horrible life, not a mental illness. I was suspended by the Nova Scotia Barristers’ Society on March 11, 2003. I had a mental breakdown on March 11-12, 2003. Not my best week.

Given that in 18 years of practice, I had no disciplinary history with the Bar Society, all parties questioned what had gone wrong in my life. We all came to recognize the impact depression had on my mind and thus my decision making abilities. The crux of the complaint from the Bar Society involved my own file, there was no client as such. I acted more or less as my own lawyer in a real estate transaction. I had found an isolated house, and given my depression, I felt that I needed to hide from the world and then I mistakenly thought I would be able to breathe. Getting the house was a matter of true survival to me, or so my unraveling mind thought.
It took a few years to regain my good health. It took the solid support and understanding of my immediate family, some friends, my psychologist, and the Bar Society. Even in the midst of the darkest days of depression, I knew I wanted a voice to discuss depression and stigma. I think it is important, perhaps even incumbent on those of us who can, to seek that public voice to discuss mental health issues.

These last seven years, I have learned a lot about mental illness, my own and that of others.
In the early days, one source was the internet. I only left the house the first few years on rare occasions, such as my weekly therapy visit. Even with no self confidence to venture out, I could still sit in my bedroom and read online about depression.

The Canadian Mental Health Association has an extensive website ( www.cmha.ca ) with details on many mental illnesses, including depression. It lists the signs of depression as:
“feeling worthless, helpless, or hopeless; sleeping more or less than usual; eating more or less than usual; having difficulty concentrating or making decisions; loss of interest in taking part in activities; decreased sex drive; avoiding other people; overwhelming feelings of sadness or grief; feeling unreasonably guilty; loss of energy, feeling very tired; thoughts of death or suicide”

Looking back at my life now with a clear and healthy mind, I can recognize and accept that I had some of the above symptoms. Insomnia for years, I would stay up most of the night, not wanting the next ugly day to begin. I thought I would never be happy or comfortable in my life. I cut off relationships, some of which were with my best friends. Solo lunches also became common. My last personal relationship was curtailed due to my depression, it didn’t have a chance, I regret to say. I lived on a lake with no neighbours, and many nights a canoe trip with no return seemed like the only means to stop the angst in which I lived.

If you or a colleague has any of these symptoms consistently in excess of two weeks, you may have depression.

Even a popular website, www.youtube.com, has video clips on depression.

A new organiztion that brings light to the subjectof mental illness is BringChange2Mind, started by Glenn Close, Jessie Close, and several mental health groups. You can check it out at www.bringchange2mind.org or on Facebook. In the spirit of honesty and transparency, I confirm that I am a volunteer with the group, I administer the Facebook page, respond to emails from people in distress, and provide general advice.

So, in the private confines of your home or office, the means to learn about depression are just a click away. That click can change your life.

I note that a John Hopkins University study in 1990-91, found that among 28 occupations researched, lawyers were 3.6 times more apt to have depression. Two other studies in the 1990s supported this result. I know of no research since, but I suggest that given our ever increasing hectic world, the extent of depression has not decreased, but more likely it has increased. So, the legal community must realize the impact depression can have on ourselves, our families, and our clients.

So, if you think or feel you or a colleague may have depression, I strongly advise that you seek help. Talk to your family, a friend, or even someone not so close to you. As well, lawyers and their families can access their provincial lawyers’ assistance programs. Help can be just a phone call away. All discussions are kept confidential. That first step can save your life.

Depression deserves proper respect and attention.

Keith invites readers to contact him at kna1960@eastlink.ca

My Mental Health Advocacy 2008 / 2009 / 2010

2010-03-12T14:42:00.008-04:00

KEITH ANDERSON, LL.B., LL.M., Email: kna1960@eastlink.ca

My Mental Health Advocacy 2008/2009/2010/ I wrote a first person account of my depression and recovery for the National Post newspaper. It was titled “How I Returned to a Life Worth Living” and appeared in the paper on February 20, 2008.

As a result of my writing the National Post article, I was invited by Carol Tooton, Executive Director of the Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division, to co-present a workshop at the Canadian Mental Health Association National Conference held in August, 2008, in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. It was my first time speaking in public in just over five years.
I was interviewed for the cover story of Anchor magazine’s 2008 summer issue. Anchor is a publication dealing exclusively with depression. ( http://www.anchormag.com/ )

I wrote an article, titled “Life is Over Rated ”, for the Ontario Lawyers’ Assistance Program. It is posted at www.olap.ca/keith-anderson.html

This article was edited for Addendum, a publication of the Canadian Bar Association.

I met with Deborah Rozee and Cheryl Canning of the Nova Scotia Lawyers’ Assistance Program. The article from the Ontario LAP was updated and appears in The Society Record, the magazine of the Nova Scotia Barristers’ Society, forwarded to all lawyers in Nova Scotia in January, 2009. The Society Record article can be accessed at http://www.nsbs.org/documents/publications/sr/SR%20Vol%2027%20No%201,%20January%202009.pdf

Appearance on Doc Talk, hosted by Dr. John Gillis, on Eastlink Television, to discuss my depression, its impact on my life, and my recovery, broadcast on February 11,12,13,16, and 17, 2009.

Carol Tooton, Executive Director, of Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division, nominated me for an Inspiring Lives Award, sponsored by the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia and the Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division. The Awards were presented at a luncheon held at Pier 21, Halifax, Nova Scotia, on May 6, 2009, and though I was not chosen as an Award recipient, the event was certainly “inspiring.”
Interviewed by Wendy Martin for CBC Radio’s Information Morning, Sydney, Nova Scotia, on May 6, 2009.

Krista Daley, CEO of the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, asked me to be a panel member at the Canadian Council of Administrative Tribunals National Conference ( http://www.ccat-ccta.org/ ) held in Halifax, Nova Scotia, on May 31-June 2, 2009. I discussed my being one who had a mental illness (depression) and how I dealt with various bureaucracies at the time and how those same bureaucracies treated me. I was joined on the panel by Professor Archie Kaiser, Dalhousie Law School, Halifax.

Member of Mental Health Peer Advocates Training Project Committee ( June, 2009). The Committee is “to enhance the capacity of Nova Scotia communities to provide individual and systemic advocacy in relation to people with mental illness.” ( quoted from the proposal call issued by the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission and Disabled Persons Commission ).
I have an article in Canadian Health magazine’s 2009 summer issue.
I have an article in Law Practice Today, a publication of the American Bar Association, in August, 2009, for its Balance and Wellness issue, found at http://www.abanet.org/lpm/lpt/articles/ftr08094.shtml. This was at the request of Deborah Gillis, QC, Lawyers’ Insurance Association of Nova Scotia, who is on the editorial board.

Article posted on Beyond Blue’s website, which is the Australian National Program to raise public awareness about depression and to reduce the stigma associated with it.

Interviewed for an article in the October 16, 2009, issue of Lawyers Weekly.

I spoke at the 5th Annual Living with Mental Illness Conference: First Voice sponsored by the Family Working Group of the Cape Breton District Health Authority, Sydney, Nova Scotia, on October 30, 2009. Audience of 550 people.

Interview in Cape Breton Post newspaper, Sydney, Nova Scotia, on November 2, 2009.

Taped a public service announcement, called Pass It On, on November 2, 2009, for The Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia for later broadcast on CTV and other uses. Available to view at http://www.mentalhealthns.ca/

Volunteer with BringChange2Mind, a not-for-profit organization established by Glenn Close and the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation, Fountain House, and Garen and Shari Staglin of International Mental Health Research Organization. I am the administrator of the BC2M’s Facebook page, and help monitor its website. I also respond to people in search of certain resources. http://www.bringchange2mind.org/

Guest lecturer at Solo Practice University ( www.solopracticeuniversity.com/blog ) an online school for solo and small firm practitioners. My topic will be Lawyers and Depression / A Healthy Mind, A Healthy Practice, February 26, 2010, posted on Solo Practice University’s Facebook page for all to access (http://www.facebook.com/solopracticeuniversity?v=app_7146470109 )

Consulted with the Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division, for the Inquiry into the Death of Howard Hyde

Blog: http://www.myreturnkickindepression.blogspot.com/

Twitter: www.twitter.com/keithllbllm

Facebook

Solo Practice University

2010-02-28T13:51:00.002-04:00

Well, on Friday, I was interviewd by Susan Carter Liebel, who runs Solo Practice University ( www.solopracticeunversity.com ), an online school resource for solo and small firm lawyers.

The Q / A went for an hour. Susan is a very professional and well researched presenter. It was clear she spent some time putting together her questions, and had a firm grasp on the aspects of depression that impact lawyers.

I thank her for the opporunty.

The interview can be accessed at SPU's facebook page at www.facebook.com/solopracticeuniversity?ref=ts

Solo Practice University

2010-02-16T12:59:00.000-04:00

Guest lecture at Solo Practice University scheduled for Tuesday, February 23, 2010, at 12 noon EST. This discussion on Lawyers and Depression / A Healthy Mind, A Healthy Practice will be available for students live on Tuesday. It will then be posted at Solo Practice University's facebook page for all to access"

Howard Hyde Inquiry

2010-02-08T15:42:00.003-04:00

Mr. Hyde died while in the custody of correctional guards as they tried to get him to attend court. He had been tasered by Halifax Police 30 hours earlier. Mr. Hyde had schizophrenia.

The Inquiry was called by the Nova Scotia Provincial Government to deternine how Mr. Hyde was treated by the health care and legal systems.

Originally the Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division, was to be allowed to present six witnesses. Three were to discuss the stigma of mental illness. I was to be one of those witnesses. The other witnesses were Dr. David Goldbloom and Jean Hughes. My evidence was to be a first person account of the stigma / discrimination one with mental illness confronts. However, the Judge hearing the evidence has chosen to reduce the number of witnesses on stigma. So, the three of us will not be giving evidence. The Inquiry concludes this week with oral and written submissions to follow at a later date.

Most of those in attendance speak of systemic problems in the health care and legal systems. I have great difficulty with the use of the word " systemic". Any system is made up of the people in it, the people who made improper or incorrect decisions should be held accountable, not the "system"...just my view.

A Healthy Mind, A Healthy Practice / Solo Practice University

2010-02-08T15:05:00.004-04:00

I will be a guest lecturer at Solo Practice University at month end. SPU is an online resource for solo or small firm lawyers. The topic of discussion will be lawyers and depression. I will discuss how depression had a devstating impact on my life, my recovery and my views about how lawyers should handle mental health issues.

A John Hopkins University study in the early 1990's found that of 30 professions studied, lawyers were 3.6 times more likely to have depression. Two subsequent studies had similar results. Now, we all know that those numbers have not gone down, given today's world.

I will discuss the reasons why lawyers and depression tend to meet too often.

Down But Not Out

2010-01-28T19:22:00.002-04:00

I sit here now, almost 7 years since I was diagnosed with depression, I take a moment and look around. Long gone are the material goods most of us strive to obtain. No house. No vehicles. Few personal items. As well, I have no job, no income, no money. All of those wrongly referenced items of success that I had...well, no more.

However to focus on what I don't have is not fair to what I do have. I have my good health. I am as mentally strong as when I was 25 years old, and I was solid then. I have my family. I can sleep well. I am no longer a regular Letterman viewer. I can have a real laugh. I can read, and enjoy, a book. I can watch a movie without 1/2 through wondering what I was watching, unable to focus well enough and long enough. I appeciate my life. I appreciate that the late night canoe trip around my lake, with no return, never happened.

I no longer pretend that my life is good, because now it actually is good, even wonderful at times.

The material stuff, it may come round again, but I realize I don't need it to be happy.

2010-01-15T22:56:00.000-04:00

BC2M

2010-01-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

BringChange2Mind is now on twittter....look for BC2M

BringChange2Mind

2010-01-04T15:25:00.001-04:00

Check out www.bringchange2mind.org, also on Facebook! Great site, great people!

Twitter

2009-11-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

Just Joined Twitter, not sure what that means!

Howard Hyde Inquiry

2009-10-11T16:06:00.003-03:00

Inquiry into the Death of Howard Hyde reconvenes on October 19, 2009, for two weeks. Mr. Hyde died 30 hours after being tased while in the custody of the Halifax Police. The Inquiry is to determine how the legal and health systems in Nova Scotia treated Mr. Hyde. The Inquiry is streamed live online. I will be a witness at a later date, my evidence will focus on mental illness and stigma.

http://www.hydeinquiry.ca/

2009-10-11T14:26:00.000-03:00

Slowly getting back to wearing a jacket and tie!

Inspiring Lives Award

2009-04-05T14:49:00.002-03:00

Carol Tooton, executive director of the Canadian Mental Health Association, Nova Scotia Division, has nominated me for an Inspiring Lives Award. The awards are presented by the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia at a luncheon on May 6, 2009. I understand that 17 people have been nominated.

The Awards are presented to a Nova Scotia who has:

i) overcome the challenge of living with a mental illness;

ii) shown perseverance in taking control of his / her life;

iii) created greater understanding of mental illness and reduced the stigma;

iv) inspired and supported others; and

v) contributed positively to his / her community.

Canadian Health Magazine

2009-03-25T14:06:00.000-03:00

I completed the draft article for Canadian Mealth Magazine, to appear in the 2009 summer issue. I thank Diana Swift at the magazine for her assistance.

Alan Stern, Q.C.

2009-03-06T14:31:00.000-04:00

One morning, a few days after my article appeared in the Bar Society's magazine, I checked my emails and there was one from Alan Stern, Q.C. Now, Alan was the Bar Society's lawyer when I was suspended. As we work in an adversarial system, Alan's job was to act in the best interest's of the Bar Society, and thus, to act "against" me.

So, just to see Alan's email in my inbox was something. I took a breath and clicked on. He wrote

"Hello Keith,

I just read your article in the Society Record. Thank you for having the courage and taking the time to tell others about what happened to you.

One of the facts relating to your real estate practice that stood out to me at the time was how well all of your files were organized. My obvious conclusion was that you were a highly competent real estate practitioner.

Over the years I have provided advice to individuals on reinstatement from suspensions or disbarments and should you need any such advice I would be pleased to talk to you ( at no charge of course ).

Sincerely, Alan "

linkedin.com

2009-03-05T14:03:00.001-04:00

I joined www.linkedin.com today. I had heard about this site, then caught the founder on Clarlie Rose last night. It is a networking site for people with a career/ job focus. Another forum in which to spread my mental health advocacy work.

Facebook

2009-03-05T14:00:00.000-04:00

I joined Facebook ( www.facebook.com ), looks interesting. It could be a great means of contacting people and being found. Just trying to continue with discussing depression , in a different forum.

5th Annual Living with Mental Illness Conference

2009-03-02T14:03:00.000-04:00

I had sent Linda Alderson my mental health "resume" in the fall of 2008 (gotta get the word out there !) .She then wanted to meet. Ms. Alderson is with the Family Working Group, Cape Breton District Health Authority, which spondsors the Living with Mental Illness Conference, held in Sydney, Nova Scotia.

After our neeting, she asked me to speak at the Conference, tentatively scheduled for Octobert30, 2009. This year there will be 4 speakers, each allotted an hour to speak.

I attended last year's, it was a well done event, with great speakers. There were 550 people in attendance.

Now, this may be my first public speach on my depression in my home town ( unless something comes along before), so I am looking forward to this event for sure.

Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission

2009-03-02T13:50:00.000-04:00

I was asked by Krista Daley, CEO / Director of the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, to be a panel member at the Canadian Council of Administrative Tribunals Annual Conference scheduled for Halifax on May 31-June 2, 2009. The other panel member is Prof. Archie Kaiser, of Dalhousie Law School.

I have been asked to discuss how one (me) with a mental illness (depression) dealt with various bureauracies, sort of a consumer's perspective.

I can bring a different view of appearing before tribunals, I suggest. I have appeared before such as a lawyer on behalf of clients; I have sat on the Cape Breton-Victoria Counties Residential Tenancies Board for 7 years and on the Nova Scotia Assessment Appeal Court for a few years; and now, I was before two Bar Committees as the "client / consumer".

As well, Ms. Daley has asked me to speak with the Commission's staff.

It should be interesting indeed.

Doc Talk / Eastlink Television

2009-03-02T13:38:00.000-04:00

On February 11, 2009, I was interviewed by Dr. John Gills for his show Doc Talk on Eastlink Television. It was broadcast on Feb.11,12,13, 16, and 17, 2009.

It was actually fun to do, no stress, no nerves at all. I now know for sure that I can speak at ease in a public forum about my depression, its impact on my life, and my recovery. The CMHA National Conference was a big confidence builder, and doing Doc Talk was the clincher.

I would like to thank Barb Anderson and Dr. Gillis for their invitation to do the show.

Nova Scotia Barristers' Society

2009-03-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

I had an article appear in the Bar Society's monthly magazine, The Society Record, in January, 2009. It can be accessed throught the Society's website ( www.nsbs.org) . This magazine is sent to all lawyers in Nova Scotia.

I would like to thank Marla Cranston, Commincations Officer of the Society, for her editing skills.

I received a great response from lawyers, some I knew, some I didn't. Some even shared their own stories of depression and troubling times.

It felt real good to be in a publication of the Bar Society. Redemption and Validation.

Nova Scotia Lawyers' Assistance Program (NSLAP)

2009-02-24T22:17:00.000-04:00

After writing for the Ontario Lawyers' Assistance Program, I thought, well, I live in Nova Scotia, so, I looked up the NSLAP website (http://www.nslap.ca/) and emailed Deborah Rozee, the Executive Director. Within an hour, she responded and asked me to call her. We spoke that day and discussed the advocacy work I had done. I was travelling to Halifax the following week ( we all need good timing!), so we arranged to meet at lunch on September 23, 2008. I met with Deborah Rozee and Cheryl Canning, the Vice Chair of the NSLAP Committee.

Now, this was an interesting meeting. For me to be having a lunch meeting with two representatives of the Bar Society was a little overwhelming, but I was more excited and keen than nervous. It was a great hour. We discussed my depression and recovery, and my mental health advocacy. They were quite interested, and commented on how honest my writing was. The Bar Society even covered the tab!

They asked if I would like to have an article in the The Society Record, the monthly magazine of the Bar Society, which is sent to all lawyers in the province. I readily agreed.

Ontario Lawyers' Assistance Program (OLAP)

2009-02-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

In early September, I was reading through Dan Lukasik's site ( www.lawyerswithdepression.com), and noticed an article by John Starzinsky, the Vounteer Executive Director, of OLAP, discussing his bi-polar. I clicked on the OLAP's site (www.olap.ca) and learned about the program. It was re-assuring to come across another lawyer, with a mental illness. John, Dan and I made three I knew.

I emailed John and we exchanged messages for awhile. He was very supportive, and encouraged me to continue seeking a public forum to discuss my depression and recove. I suggested I write an article for the OLAP. He thought it was a great idea. I sat back, took a couple of days and wrote a long piece and submitted it. He had it posted online in a day. ( www.olap.ca/keith-anderson.html)

He and I continue to communicate by email and phone. One never knows from where support may come.

Update / CMHA National Conference

2009-02-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been awhile, actually months, since I last wrote. I stopped writing because I became busy, and I thought, still do, that not many, maybe no one, reads this blog. But, regardless I am back and will try to try to keep this on track.

Now, being busy has been great. Since the last summer, life has steadily improved and proceeded to a place I had not thought.

I spoke at the CMHA National Conference last August. I co-presented, with Fred Armitage, a workshop on depression and recovery. We each spoke for 20 minutes followed by questions / answers for an hour. The audience was very receptive and supportive. It was a great confidence builder to learn that I still had the ability to speak in public, as I had often done as a lawyer.

I also heard from key note speakers and attended some other workshops at the Conference. I learned more about mental illness.

I have to thank Carol Tooton, Executive Director of the CMHA , Nova Scotia Division, for inviting to speak and telling me that I would be accepted. Also, Krista Hooper and Christiana King made be feel very welcome throughout the entire weekend. One has to remember that this was my first public event in over 5 years. I became comfortable in a public setting, it felt real good.

Anchor Magazine Summer Issue

2008-06-15T22:46:00.000-03:00

I want to thank Melissa Churly for writing about me which became the cover story. The piece was well written and well researched. I think Melissa came to understand depression and its impact on people. She knew her topic.

I also thank Bill MacPhee and the staff at Anchor for putting me on the cover. It's a great magazine, well needed so people, those with and those without depression, will learn about the illness.

Check it out at www.anchormag.ca

CMHA National Conference

2008-06-02T12:51:00.000-03:00

As I mentioned previously, the Canadian Mental Health Association National Conference is being held in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia on August 22-23, 2008.

The title of this year's Conference is Making Waves for Change: From Surviving to Thriving.

I will be presenting a workshop along with Fred Armitage. We are scheduled for the afternoon of Saturday, August 23, 2008, from 3:20 to 4:50. I know Mr. Armitage is a Halifax Regional Municipality police officer who has had depression.

The CMHA has posted more details on its website ( http://www.novascotia.cmha.ca/ ).

Current Events

2008-05-18T14:17:00.000-03:00

I thought it may be time to mention some more recent events.

In January, 2008, I wrote a first person account of my life with depression for the National Post newspaper. It appeared in the paper on February 20. It was part of a series called Leaps and Rebounds. The title of my article was called " How I returned to a life worth living." I think it's a great title ( it was chosen by the National Post people ), it really sums up what I wrote. However, it is no longer available online.

I know that if I can write about my depression and have it published, I must be well.

My article was well received by the Canadian Mental Health Association. As a result, I was asked by Carol Tooton, Executive Director, CMHA in Nova Scotia , to participate in a workshop at the CMHA National Conference to be held in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, on August 22-23, 2008. For more information check out http://www.novascotia.cmha.ca/

As well, I was interviewed by Melissa Churly for an article in the up coming summer issue of Anchor Magazine ( http://www.anchormag.ca/ ).

I also was in contact with Daniel Lukasik , a lawyer in Buffalo, New York, who has suffered with depression. He has started a website , http://www.lawyerswithdepression.com/, for which he has received positive recognition. The American Bar Association profiled the site and the work it accomplishes to identify depression in the legal community. The site was also honoured by the New York State Bar Association. The site is well presented in looking at depression and lawyers, and combats the stigma of depression.

So, depression is certainly out there. But so are people willing to publicly discuss it.

It's been over five years since my depression took hold almost taking away my life. But now, my life has taken a positive track, and it feels real good. But, it should be noted, as I have mentioned before, I wanted to get a life worth living. It was on my initiative that I contacted the National Post with a suggestion to write an article; I emailed the article to the CMHA; I found Dan's website and made the first contact. So, one has to make one's own opportunities. I used to do that years ago, and now, here I am doing it again and the events unfolding as a result are positive. But I had to have sufficent self confidence to reach out with my ideas and contact other people, in case the response wasn't so good. Getting to that level of confidence took years of work, by many people.

I am beginning to surface in public now.

Even the Youngest Ones Understood

2008-05-18T13:17:00.000-03:00

My family provided the best of support. Once I was diagnosed with depression, we all learned in time what steps were necessary for me to get well. It took our wanting to understand what depression is and its impact on my life.

Even the youngest members of my family, my teen aged ( at the time ) niece and nephew came to understand the illness and how to help me. Two instances come to my mind when I think back over the last few years.

Once I started driving again, at times I used to drop off and pick up my nephew at his summer job. One night, his shift finished at midnight, I was there to get him. Even though I was staying at his house, a few days had gone by when we hadn't seen much of each other. As we drove, he asked " So, Keith, how are you doing?". He was truly concerned and wanted to know more then just a response of "good" from me. I told him I was starting to feel well, that a lot had happened in my life, but that I thought my life would get better, with the passage of time, my doctor's help, and especially with family support. I thanked him for his help. His response was simple but spoke volumes, " Well, that's what families do."

My niece gave me a New Yorker Magazine journal for Christmas in 2003. Now, she always has to make a comment that makes the moment. In the journal she wrote " To help keep your thoughts together on the road to sanity. I love you, and I am proud of you."

So, from the minds and hearts of my niece and nephew. They were concerned for me, for my health, and had come to understand depression.

My depression was in the open for all to see. But, the people who came to see it were those who wanted to see it.

The Details Count

2008-05-04T20:04:00.000-03:00

I have been thinking back to the darkest days of my depression. The journal I kept helps me remember the events of those years. My first entry is on April 11, 2003.

The details of me life became most important. Now, some may say such details are just simple things. But to me, as to many people with depression, it is just those details that we have to grasp.

On April 11, I noted that the day before was my niece's birthday, and that I was able to go to Chapters to get her a card. That was an accomplishment. I also wrote " Laugh a bit now". So, I guess I must have laughed at something.

On April 13, 2003 ( a Sunday ), I wrote that on the previous Thursday and Friday, I got up at 9:30 am, which was the earliest since March. Now, I was always a morning person, getting to work around 8:30, and doing my best work from then to mid-afternoon. I always worked later, but I felt the best in the morning. It used to be exciting and fun to get into the office and get going.

April 14, I wrote that I "felt ok today in the pm". But I was "tired by 7 pm." I also noted that I "thought about checking my email." To even think about doing something was a great step forward. The thought came along, and then, if I kept thinking about it, perhaps in a week, I could actually put the thoughts into an action. But, for a long time, I was simply having the thoughts, not being able to do the action. However, it was a sign that I was getting healthy because I was starting to think.

April 23, I felt confidant for a moment.

April 24, I "chatted with clerk at The Body Shop. Went for drive , 1st time out in evening." Now, this was huge night.

I could watch tv a bit, I would watch Hazel Mae do the sports report each morning. I also got to enjoy watching Becker, a sitcom starring Ted Dansen. Also, Water Rats, an Australian cop show, became my afternoon staple. So, I was starting to enjoy tv again. Perhaps not Emmy worthy programs, but I liked them.

On April 25, I "felt safe." Now, that's a major comment. But I also suffered an anxiety attack, which I had started to handle because I had learned from my doctor that such attacks are not harmful. I knew I would live through it, and get a better grip on my circumstances.

So, the details became important. A flash in my mind of a good feeling sustained me until the next good moment, which could be the next hour or the following week. The good feelings were not very common. The bad out lasted, out weighed, and out did the good.

Small steps, but to me, all necessary and important steps if I was to get well. It took years, effort, and patience for me to get to the point in my life where the good has supplanted the bad.

The details accumulated to provide a real life.

Geography

2008-04-19T14:24:00.000-03:00

I think it may be important to explain how geography played a role during my depression, my breakdown, and then my recovery.

I lived and practiced law in Sydney, Nova Scotia. Now, when it came time for the hearings before the Nova Scotia Barristers' Society, they were held in the Society's offices in Halifax, which is a 4-5 hour drive from Sydney.

In March, I travelled to Halifax for the hearing. I was unable to drive, my mind beginning to unravel, so, my mother drove the entire trip.

My sister, her husband, and their two children live outside of Halifax, so, we arrived there on a Sunday, the hearing was set for Tuesday morning. I do know that we all checked into the Radisson Hotel at some point, just not sure exactly when. It is located just across the street from the Bar Society's offices. I also booked a room there for my lawyer. He and I met on that Monday to prepare.

The hearing on Tuesday was difficult to make, I had a major anxiety attack early that morning. At that time I didn't know what an anxiety attack was, I had had them before, but I just didn't know what happened with such an attack. My mother and sister who stayed in the suite with me, calmed me down. Then I met my lawyer in the lobby, and off we went for the 11:00 am hearing.

The hearing, held in public though no public attended, consisted of my testifying about my wrong decisions and some of my life. It lasted until after 5:00 pm. I was suspended for 3 months.

Now, my mother and sister waited at the Radisson Hotel all day, worrying and wondering. My brother-in-law spent the day driving around, waiting for my sister to call him with the outcome.

When I walked to the hotel, my mother and sister were in the lobby. Given my suspension, I was in shock. I told them what happened,we hugged and then went to the room. My sister called her husband to join us. He was there in minutes. Now, we had no arrangement made as to what to do. So, we just looked at the situation and I decided that I wanted to check out and go to my sister's, I wanted to see my niece and nephew. Though only 17 and 16 at the time, they were fully aware of the events unfolding.

We packed up and checked out. However, I did leave one thing behind. As a lawyer and thus needing to dress for work, I had maybe 100 ties, some allocated for certain events. I had one tie that I always wore to funerals, that was the tie I chose to wear to the hearing. I tossed it in the hotel trash as we left.

It was at my sister's that my breakdown took hold. My niece was kind and generous enough to give up her bedroom for me, for two years. Her room was a good size, and centrally located. She moved to the lower level.

The doctors I was fortunate to have treat me were located in Halifax. I felt save at my sister's, with everyone there. We all thought I needed everyone's help, and it helped each of us to be together.

But, in order to see to my house in Sydney and other matters, I travelled , usually as the passenger, between Halifax and Sydney, for those years. Those trips were sometimes difficult. I was groggy from my drugs, and unable to drive until the last part of the trip. As well, it was a real effort to leave the perceived safety of the bedroom.

But the travelling also provided me with the chance to get out of the bedroom, which though troubling in the short term, I think I benefited in the longer term. We would stop to eat on the trip, getting me out. As well, we usually picked up groceries . Again, I would go into the store. Now, I know, it may sound like simple things, eating in a restaraunt and getting groceries, but to me, living with depression, they were not. It took great effort to to do these things, but, with each trip, I learned I could. We found a great little spot in New Glasgow that served real food. So, the more often we ate there, the more comfortable I became. Small steps, but huge accomplishments.

My life those years consisted of weekly visits to my doctor; regular trips home; crashing, literally, at my sister's; trying to get out of the bedroom, then the house. These were trying times.

But I also had some hope, though smothered under the darkness of depression. At that time, my hope consisted of just my wanting to get well. How, when, and if I could were matters for another day. I knew the path to getting well would not be simple.

The Blog's Title

2008-04-15T12:51:00.000-03:00

The title of my blog was easy to choose.

The "Kickin' Depression" is derived from an expression my sister uses. In discussing certain events and people, she often says "kick them to the curb". She means simply put that event / person out of your thoughts, out of your life, and move forward. Needless to say, she has told that to me many times these last few years. I have tried, and succeeded, to dismiss the not so nice events that occurred and to focus on the many good aspects of my life. As mentioned, I have also moved forward to the point where I can dismiss those people I think weren't there to help.

But I also wanted the title to reflect where I am now in my life. So, I considered a few ideas, but kept looking at the title that the National Post chose for my article. They decided on the title " How I returned to a life worth living." It just fit. I think I have returned to a real life, and it continues to improve. So, I thank Maryam Siddiqi, Deputy Editor, Arts & Life, National Post, for printing my story and for the title.

Thus, the title "My Return: Kickin' Depression"

2008-04-10T13:26:00.000-03:00

Well, here I am, I have no money, no job, no income, no house. Life is good.

Seriously though, my life is good. To focus on what I don't have is not fair to what I do have. I have my good health. I am as mentally strong now as I was 25 years ago. I have my family, all healthy as well. I sleep well. I can read a book and enjoy it. I can truly smile and laugh. I can enjoy each day.

I will one day, once I have sufficient funds, apply to the Bar Society to be re-instated. If I am fortunate enough to be re-instated, I am not sure what I will then do as a career, but it will unfold. I do know that my new career will be different from the old one.

I have a few options before me, and all will be considered in due time. As well, I have certain matters to be resolved, I look forward to wrapping up the past and moving on.

In the meantime, I know that I will enjoy whatever I choose, and who knows what may come along. There have been some good, and unexpected, opportunities already.

I am healthy, physically and mentally, and the other pieces of my life are starting to fall into place. It feels real good.

As Van Morrison sang, "Back on my feet again, I'm back on the street again."

Getting Back

2008-04-09T10:24:00.000-03:00

Well, as is obvious, March of 2003 was rough. My depression had reached its greatest depth. Anxiety attacks were a daily occurrence. My career was gone. Now, where would my life go? It couldn't get any worse. Even in the midst of such angst, I knew I wanted to get healthy. But I questioned if I could.

I was in real bad shape. I had no self confidence, no self worth, little energy or interest in anything, all of which are symptoms of depression. To venture outside of the bedroom was a big step; to go outside of the house was a major accomplishment.

I was fortunate to have had, and continue to have, great family support. My immediate family provided such care and concern that I knew I was well protected. They encouraged , at times strongly urged , me to take the necessary steps to recovery. We discussed my illness and its impact on my life. They sat at my beside for weeks. Without them, I would have ended up in hospital.

My family doctor, when he diagnosed me, also prescribed medication. It slowed my mind down, no more having to handle too many pressures. However, within a month, the dosage was doubled in order to maintain the drug's effectiveness. I knew that my mental state was drug induced, but it was still a healthy break. Some of the side effects included my sleeping a lot, and eating too much. Given how I had been living, these side effects were welcome.

I was fortuntate again, in that I had a medical plan that helped cover the cost of medication, and when it was cancelled, I could still afford it.

But early on, we recognized that I needed additional help.

The Nova Scotia Barristers' Society provided me with a list of four psychologists, for whom the Society would cover the cost of the first ten visits. It took a lot of encouragement from my family, but I called the first on the list. I spoke with the doctor on a poor speaker phone, while she ruffled through some papers, paying me little attention. I knew enough not seek her assistance. Now, with depression, and given this doctor's reception which re-enforced my low self worth, I thought no one wanted to help.

However, with still more family encouragement, I called the next doctor on the list. Dr. Deb, as I will call her, seemed like a good fit and an appointment was made for the following week. Now, I had never been to therapy before, so, I didn't know what to expect. Well, it's amazing what one will tell a stranger. The floodgates opened and out flowed my life.

I attended therapy once a week for two years, then once a month. Going to therapy became the highlight of the week. My family and I tried to make the right decisions for my recovery. Each week, Dr. Deb would confirm that our thinking and actions were correct. That gave us great comfort because we knew that we were starting to understand depression.

Dr. Deb suggested I keep a journal,which turned out to a be a great idea. In practical terms, the journal was helpful, because during those days, my memory was not very good. As well, it now gives me a source to review for this blog and for my own personal interest. I would make a note if I felt good for a few minutes; a smile was a huge event, a laugh was amazing.

I gradually developed a routine to allow me to leave the house. I realized I had a certain comfort zone. I had existed in my own small world, I now had to expand to become part of the real world.

I was too groggy from my medication in the mornings to do anything. I was no longer a morning person. I did not go anywhere alone for a long time, because I knew I could not handle a situation if something went astray.

I could go to Chapters, on Mondays or Tuesdays, when the store would be quiet. Upon entering, I would stop and look around to ensure that there weren't many people inside. I could no longer handle a busy place, I found it too chaotic. This was certainly a change for me, I enjoyed hectic places, the busier the better. No more.

Another step I took in the early days was to go out to eat. I started by getting take out and eating in the car in the back parking lot of the restaurant. After doing this for a couple of months, I then progressed to eating in the front parking lot. I did this for awhile. Then one day, I ate in the restaurant. Eventually, in the summer of 2004, there were days, usually after therapy when I was feeling good, that I ate Bud the Spud fries on the steps of the Spring Garden Rd. courthouse. This was a good moment.

Once I got out alone, I could go to the Sunnyside Mall. I also enjoyed driving around the city in the evening and into the night , listening to the radio or to a CD, being able to enjoy music again, what a treat.

Some friends provided solid support. They not only reached out to contact me, they actually took steps on their own initiative to help. They helped sell the house; stored my belongings; took time to talk with me; and took me for drives around the city.

Another couple of long time friends called me one night to see how I was doing. Given their past difficulties, they easily understood my circumstances. They took me to some movies ( hey, Big Fish was good ). I learned I could focus on an entire movie and enjoy it. They even got me to attend pilates classes.

There were some bumps along the way. Some people did not reach out at all, which was both shocking and unsettling. I could discuss this at length, which I will in a later posting.

Others snubbed me, one who used to greet me with a hug, walked by me in a grocery store. Another, a local judge who I had known for years, kept his eyes on the floor after seeing me at a corner store.

Another person came back into my life fully knowing of my depression , took full advantage and treated me poorly, setting my recovery back by a year. So, be wary of such false comforts.

I was told and then I came to realize that such people, especially those from whom I did not hear, are not true friends and to dismiss them from my life. I had to learn who was true and honest. If I was to have a new full life, changes had to occur. So, the decision to remove such people from my mind and to banish them from my heart was made. It was difficult and took a couple of years, but necessary and healthy. Once I made such decision, I knew I was in better control of my life.

As well, in the winter of 2005, with my doctor's guidance, I weaned myself off my medication, so that my mental state was of my own doing.

So, walking the path to good health required help, understanding and care from my family, certain friends, and my doctors. It took a series of small steps, which to me were huge, and a strong will on everyones part. But most importantly, it took my wanting to get well.

Keith

Diagnosis

2008-03-30T13:11:00.000-03:00

On March 7, 2003, I was diagnosed by my family doctor of 25 years with severe depression. I have since learned that the depression had been creeping into my mind for many years.

On March 11, I was suspended by the Nova Scotia Barristers' Society from the practice of law.

On March 12, I suffered an almost complete mental breakdown, which had been unfolding for weeks, if not months.

So, it certainly wasn't my best week. The weeks and months that followed weren't much better.

I was confined to a bedroom for a month, unable to venture into the world. In fact, I was pretty much limited to a bedroom, a house, for a few years.

My mind was so fragmented that I could accomplish only a few life activities. I could attend at my doctors', go to Chapters, and drive at certain times of the day. My thinking was no longer sharp, I could not remember certain things. It was as if my mind no longer worked in certain areas.

Anxiety attacks became common. My heart would race, I would break into a sweat, and my head would pound. A normal occurrence , like the phone's ringing, could cause me to experience an anxiety attack. It could take hours, or at times, even days to recover. Such attacks were exhausting. As an attack swept over me, I would "hide" in bed or collapse on the floor.

I had lost my health and career within a week. How did I arrive at this point? To be honest, at the time, I was not sure. But with time, help, and lots of thinking, I now understand completely.

In early March, someone who knew of the complaint which led to my being suspended by the Bar Society, looked over my professional history , which consisted of a few complaints all dismissed at the first instance. His response was " What happened to you, this just doesn't happen. Something went wrong . " I had no answer. He suggested I see my doctor. Two days later I was diagnosed.

The crux of the complaint against me before the Bar Society involved certain decisions I made and actions I took when I purchased a new house, acting more or less as my own lawyer.

When I was presented with the entire set of facts, I initially had difficulty recognizing that we were talking about me. The events unfolding were so surreal. I think my mind was already beginning to break, the external pressures becoming internal pressures. However, I had no difficulty in acknowledging that my decisions were wrong and unethical. I accepted responsibility and was held accountable.

Back in 2003, given my state of mind, my understanding of the connection between my depression and the decisions I made in buying the house was limited. But today, with a clear and healthy mind and a better understanding of the effects of depression, the link is evident.

My depression put me in a place mentally where I wanted and needed to withdraw further from the world, a typical symptom of depression. My solo lunches were no longer enough. I worked with clients and staff all day. I could not hide at the office. So, I thought that if I could shut down my personal life, and thus hide, I would be completely alone and then my mind would be at peace. That was my goal.

Now, the house I found and purchased was very isolated. The driveway was one kilometre long. There were no neighbours. I told very few people that I was going to buy it, told even fewer that I had actually closed the transaction. Given my need to be alone, the house was a perfect fit. Getting this house was a matter of survival.

Therefore, I made certain decisions in order to buy it. At the time, I did not recognize that they were wrong. It was simply that my mind was so fragmented and my depression so powerful that my decision making was not governed by the proper parameters. My life depended on my buying the house. That was my only consideration.

Once I moved in though, my withdrawal escalated. While living there, I invited few people to visit. In my prior house, in a standard subdivision, I had staff parties, Super Bowl parties. Not anymore, not in the new house.

My need to hide was so intense that I had constructed a massive wrought iron gate at the end of my driveway. Most nights, upon getting home, I would close and lock the gate. Now, no one visited. No one was around. But still, I needed to lock the gate, to keep the world away. At least that's how my mind functioned, or didn't function.

At this point, I think it's necessary to explain the Nova Scotia Barristers' Society's complaint process, to show how it works and how certain events unfolded over its course which came to help me.

A public hearing was convened by the Bar Society for March 11, 2003. I attended with my lawyer, who , it should be noted, did an exceptional job in handling my file, and, at times, my personal well being. I think he understood depression and what it can do to a person better then I did at that time. My family waited at the hotel across the street from the Bar Society's offices. The hearing was held in Halifax, and I lived in Sydney, a 4-5 hour drive.

I responded to questions from the Bar Society's lawyer, my lawyer, and the Committee's members for several hours. The Committee, after careful consideration, suspended me for three months, allowing for further review by all involved.

During those three months, an agreed statement of facts was achieved between the lawyers. This Agreement called for me to be suspended for two years, back dated to March 11, 2003. In order to be re-instated, I would have to be declared mentally healthy by a psychiatrist and cover the Bar Society's costs in the amount of $25,000.00.

But this Agreement had to be approved by another Bar Society Committee, so another public hearing was held on June 23, 2003. Again, my family waited in the hotel across the street. I testified for a few hours. I took full responsibility for my decisions. I agreed that what I had done was wrong. I understood depression better then I did in March, and thus, I was able to explain what happened to me. Both lawyers presented a joint recommendation according to the terms of the Agreement. This Committee approved the settlement.

I must commend everyone involved, from the lawyers, the Bar Society's administration, the Committee members, and the woman who provided me with water and tissues. They listened to me and acknowledged the impact of depression on my life. That provided some peace.

My family told me that the Bar Society would have a "heart". I just didn't think anyone would when it came to me, my low self worth brought on by depression being a symptom of depression. As the June hearing concluded, John Merrick, Q.C., the chair of the Committee, finished by saying "Keith, go home and get well".

Shortly after my suspension, and in the midst of my breakdown, I realized that getting suspended may have been the best thing to happen to me in awhile, for several reasons.

One may think my life must have quite difficult if getting suspended was a good thing. Well, that's correct, my life was that bad.

Getting suspended gave me a second chance. It removed me from a workplace that was not healthy for me. I no longer had to struggle to go to the office. I no longer had to pretend that I enjoyed my work. I no longer had to deal with the people everyday. The pressures of my office were gone. Also, thanks to the diagnosis of depression, I knew the source of my troubles. All I had to do was work to get well. I had a chance at a real life. I had a new found sense of optimism, even though it was covered by layers of low self confidence, low self worth, and anxiety attacks. I hoped that one day that the optimism would rule. I realized I had a long and difficult path ahead, but at least I was now on the path.

As well, the suspension gave me an option to focus on my mental health and to get well. I lived on a lake, and many nights, I looked at the lake as my only option out of my troubles.

I remember explaining this to John Merrick in July, 2006, and his response " Well, I guess it's just a matter of perspective."

So true.

Keith

Life is Over Rated

2008-03-29T15:27:00.000-03:00

Life is over rated. I made that comment one early morning as I traveled with some friends to Cape Smokey to learn how to ski. Over the years that comment became a joke, a phrase we brought out when one of us was having a bad day. But ten or so years later, that was how I actually looked at my life, there wasn't much promising about it.

I was diagnosed with severe depression in March of 2003, followed a few days later by an almost complete mental breakdown. . I had unknowingly lived with it for years. I was 42 years old. I had practiced law since 1984, except for a one year gap when I returned to university. My main areas of practice were real estate and wills and probate matters.

Looking at my life from the outside, it appeared very full and exciting. I had the career, as senior and managing partner in a successful law firm; the vehicles, a four wheel drive and an MG for the summer; money in my pocket; for awhile, a younger, attractive girl friend. But to me, I had nothing.

With my mind now clear, I can see how the illness moved into my life. At the time, however, I saw just a series of bad moments, bad days, bad things happening to me. I knew I was in pain, but that's all I knew. I had no way out. So, why did I miss the signs that I had a mental illness and what were those signs.

The "why" is now easy. In my twenties, I did well, in university and then at work. I enjoyed taking on any challenge. I was strong minded, hard working, and optimistic about life.

So, when in my thirties, life brought more challenges, I just thought I could, in time, overcome them. Asking for help was not in my options, I could do it alone, I always had. But there was a difference in that these new challenges were personal to me. I had always dealt with the problems of others, but I came to learn that dealing with my own was another matter, of which I knew little.

My personal difficulties began with a failed business venture, spearheaded by a partner, in 1990. However, the law firm we established in 1989 became successful. It took many long days and nights, over many years, but the financial rewards were realized.

But the most traumatic event that put me on the path to having depression, from what my doctor, Dr. DEB, and I determined, was the death of my father in February of 1992.

I was close to my father. We spoke everyday and saw each other most days. Our respective jobs brought us into contact as well. He was a real estate agent, I practiced real estate law.

Growing up, and still to this day, my family was and is close knit. We always had dinner together when I was young. We would talk about the day's events. Holidays were a special time, whether it was around Nova Scotia, a trip south, or seeing a baseball game in Montreal. These times were important. As well, we all had a love of politics, which during the Trudeau years, made for exciting times.

The actual signs of depression are now easy to see. I think I could identify problems, but I made no link to an illness. I knew thing's weren't going well for me, but I dismissed it as just a bad day. I just didn't understand that after 100's of bad days , that it was more.

Well, perhaps one of the first signs of my developing depression was that I started withdrawing from my friends. I had always enjoyed my alone time, but I also had many friends. Some friends were important and close to me, others were, as I call them, 9-5 friends.

Some of my best friends live overseas. We attended university together in 1986-87, all being foreign students, so having that in common brought us together. We kept in touch, on the telephone, letters ( in the days before email ), and spending holidays together. Then gradually, I stopped communicating with them. So, that, within a few years, these relationships were no more.

As well, one university classmate from undergrad, who lived just a few hours away was cut out. We were pretty tight in the good years of my life. I enjoyed our times together because we didn't always talk shop, we had common interests beyond work. But slowly, this went away too.

Lunch time became a solo time. Given how hard I worked and the long hours, I made a point of going for lunch. It was a much needed break in a usually hectic day, a time to breathe and chat with friends. But gradually, I stopped going out to eat with people. When asked out, I had an excuse. Then eventually, the invitations stopped, as to be expected.

I would eat alone in my vehicle. I would get a plain bagel and a bottle of water, and eat it as I drove around. When I didn't have the energy to drive, I would eat in a parking lot, hidden among the other vehicles, hoping that no one would see me and want to talk. I couldn't be part of the world for that half hour. I could eat alone and think that I could disappear for a brief moment. It became my means to hide during the day, week after week.

Another means of avoiding people was to shop for groceries on Monday evenings when, hopefully, the store would be quiet. I can now say I avoided people because with a clear mind, I can recognize that behaviour.

As well, I can look back and shake my head, I had such a twisted way of thinking with regard to certain things. A prime example was the insomnia that set in and the reasons I had for not sleeping.

What a horrible sleeping routine I had for years. On Sunday night/ Monday morning, I would be awake until 5-6 in the morning, then sleep until 7:30, then get up and go to work. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday nights/ mornings were the same. The exhaustion was overwhelming , but I still would not sleep. By Thursday and then Friday, the lack of sleep would finally get to me and I would crash. I would get some rest on the weekend. But then, along comes Sunday, the routine repeats. This occurred on a regular basis for weeks, going into months and years. I would get a normal week's sleep once in awhile.

So, why would I not sleep. At the time, I certainly wasn't happy. I had a poor outlook on my life, nothing was going well. I looked forward to very little. I hated to face the next day, the work, the people, the demands, the pressures. I had no fun at work or after work. Now, this is where depression set in to mess up my thinking, there is no logic involved. By staying awake late into the night/ morning, I thought it would put off the next day's beginning. If I slept, the next day would come quicker. So, I stayed awake, hoping for tomorrow not to come.

Tears became a regular event. They would flow from when I left my house to when I drove into the office parking lot. I would walk into the office and pretend to be in a good mood. Pretending is exhausting. Then after a long day of work, more tears while driving to my house, well into the night. This went on for weeks and months.

Since I was a child, I loved to read. Even during my university days, I still read books not related to my studies. As I studied law, I would read books on evolution, physics, or politics. Book shops were one of my havens, whether it was Waterstone's, Barnes& Nobles or the used book shop around the corner.

But as my depression progressed, I found that I couldn't focus well enough to read, concentration was just not available. I would read for twenty minutes, then stop, realizing that I had no idea what I had just read. My work required lots of reading, which I could do, but I couldn't read for enjoyment. I would buy the books, and they would find a place in a book case, unread.

Another indication of the impact of depression was on my last true relationship. We met a few years before my diagnosis. She was quite possibly the most interesting, exciting, attractive, certainly the most fun, woman I had dated. But as my depression wrapped around my mind, and thus my life, I grew distant from her. I was not able to commit to many things, whether it was a trip or dinner tomorrow night. My non-existent self worth prevented me from accepting the relationship as actually happening. I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. I remember saying to her early on that she intimidated me, a sure sign of depression. We were in touch throughout my breakdown period. I now know that that relationship had great potential, but it was taken away by my depression. So, D., we were short changed.

So, now with a healthy mind, I can easily identify the symptoms of depression I experienced. The above are the more pronounced signs , but there were more.

A physical pain I can handle, but a mental pain is different. The pain was my mind breaking into pieces. The exhaustion, the angst were overwhelming. Depression had taken hold.

Keith

My First Post

2008-03-26T11:38:00.000-03:00

By way of background, I was a lawyer who was struck by depression. I was diagnosed on March 7, 2003. This blog gives me an opportunity to discuss my mental illness. I never had any difficulty in acknowledging that I had depression. Soon after being diagnosed, I wanted such a voice, but I first had to get mentally well enough to do so.

Now, this blog will consist of my views of depression, it's impact on both my personal and professional lives. There will be lots of factual situations that describe my illness; some of my opinions on my life and the lives of others; and some rants probably.

So, this is the start.

My Return : Kickin' Depression

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Depression: Lawyers: Help

My Mental Health Advocacy 2008 / 2009 / 2010

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Howard Hyde Inquiry

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Even the Youngest Ones Understood

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The Blog's Title

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Getting Back

Diagnosis

Life is Over Rated

My First Post